I have had several people this week asking me how I am. I have held off replying as, quite frankly, I have needed to get myself together before replying. In short, I have been dealing with this.
I generally refrain from airing my views on current affairs on this forum. I have a left-leaning take on things but understand that this is not a perspective everyone will share, so I generally restrict my views to private conversations rather than public forums. However, whilst this issue is still political with a small "p", it has now gone beyond party politics. When even the Sun is complaining about it, you know something has gone seriously wrong.
The immediate problem with this is that the health advice varies wildly, depending on which agency you ask. With such contadictory statements flying round, I have decided that I will continue to shield until 1st July, as per my original letter. If everyone was saying the same thing then I may consider changing but the advice is nowhere near clear cut enough for that and the consequences of things going wrong are too great.
This creates a second problem. Those of us caught up in this are no longer entitled to any government assistance in doing things which require leaving the house. Obtaining help from voluntary organisations is also much harder, as many use the shielded persons list as an eligibility criteria for their services. I am fortunate that I have three guardian angels (my 74 and 75 year old parents and my massively overworked and even more massively underpaid care worker) who will bring food, medication and other things to my door. Many others, however, will not be so fortunate.
One thing this crisis has made abundantly clear, is the complete contempt held by certain sections of British society for the disabled, elderly and sick. The brutal reality is that we are seen by some as disposable, as Rory Kinnear's tribute to his sister clearly expressed. Those of us who require the care of others to live are viewed in some quarters as a burden, as "useless eaters," a drain on resources who consume more than they produce. In simplistic terms, we are unworthy of life.
It is this twisted view of human worth that has created the health and social care policy that we have today, its cornerstone being that we should not ask people to fund a service out of general taxation which dedicates the lion's share of its resources to a small section of the population who, it is perceived, contribute little in economic terms. This has lead to the fragmentation of the NHS, the total privatisation of the care system and the chronic underfunding of both. It is why elderly and disabled people cannot get the treatment and care that they need and why their protests are ignored,.
This is not just about the politicians. The public needs to take resposibility for who they vote into office. It is not that these policies have been hidden from view and brought in surreptitiously. They have been front and centre of election campaigns and won repeated, widespread, popular support at the ballot box. Consequently, these measures have been instigated with the full knowledge and consent of the British electorate, not just by some nefarious "elite" as the conspiracy theorists would have you believe. This one is on all of us.
There is much talk of wanting " a return to normal." If by this we mean the way we have been living for the past forty years, then that is the one thing we must not do. It is that state of affairs that has brought us to this point and will bring us right back here again if we return to our old ways. Nothing less than a total reassesment of who we are both as individuals and a society will do. These events are not an aborration born out of a crisis. They are the place where a series of deliberate policy decisions made over a long period of time have ultimately led us. This is a fuck-up forty years in the making.
I'm not on any lists, seemingly in the eyes of those in charge, those of us who are registered as blind can carry on as normal and maintain distance from those around them (and of course drive from Durham to Barnard Castle and back...) I'm fortunate that I'm used to essentially living in a different timezone so I have a couple of hours to go out for a walk when the rest of the world is sleeping, but short of raiding the milkman, that isn't much use for supplies. The panic buyers hogged all the delivery slots from the supermarkets (loyalty goes two ways folks) so that route was cut off for some time. I got some groceries through Approved Food and other sellers and Lisa suggested Mindfulchef to me so I've been getting a weekly recipe box delivered. Most of the recipes are easy enough to put together and in many cases there's more veg than you need so that gives you a bonus meal or two (admittedly this weeks bonus meal is sweet potato perfect for that's life, a few tomatoes and green beans...
On the other things, I have to say I haven't stood outside clapping like a trained monkey once a week, I stuck a cross in the box of the people that would fund the NHS even if it would increase my tax bill...
I'm staying working from home for the time being, one of the directors wants us to start coming into the office more, but the need for distancing means it needs to be coordinated, considering I'd need to take a PC in and out each week (around £400 in a cab) and working in public transport it is ludicrous to consider travelling by public transport when we are putting the messaging out to "work from home if you can, avoid using public transport where possible."
One thing this crisis has made abundantly clear, is the complete contempt held by certain sections of British society for the disabled, elderly and sick. The brutal reality is that we are seen by some as disposable, as Rory Kinnear's tribute to his sister clearly expressed. Those of us who require the care of others to live are viewed in some quarters as a burden, as "useless eaters," a drain on resources who consume more than they produce. In simplistic terms, we are unworthy of life.
It's not just British society, it's humanity as a whole, it's the divide between the young and the old, the able and the non able, the haves, and the have nots. It is one I have fight with constantly as I struggle with feelings of uselessness every day. From feeling like how much time has been robbed from me by sickness, how little I feel I have contributed to my human family and my world.
"But today's society is characterized by achievement orientation, and consequently it adores people who are successful and happy and, in particular, it adores the young. It virtually ignores the value of all those who are otherwise, and in so doing blurs the decisive difference between being valuable in the sense of dignity and being valuable in the sense of usefulness. If one is not cognizant of this difference and holds that an individual's value stems only from his present usefulness, then, believe me, one owes it only to personal inconsistency not to plead for euthanasia along the lines of Hitler's program, that is to say, 'mercy' killing of all those who have lost their social usefulness, be it because of old age, incurable illness, mental deterioration, or whatever handicap they may suffer. Confounding the dignity of man with mere usefulness arises from conceptual confusion that in turn may be traced back to the contemporary nihilism transmitted on many an academic campus and many an analytical couch." Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
So, I too am stuck in this ideology. But only so much as my contempt is only for myself. I feel as I have no dignity, little to no usefulness, and thus no worth. But when I see others trapped in similar states, it's all I can do to not cry because I know their pain and their frustration at least on some level. I wish I could lay a hand on them and pull their suffering from them, even if it meant taking it on myself. But I can't, all I can do is offer an ear, and an anecdote from my own experience. I can commiserate, empathize, and be compassionate.
It brings me joy to know you have some support, but sadness to know so many others do not.
I wish I had something better or more uplifting to offer.